The Hexas Chaise Longue Massacre
by notsosolemnly
Summary: Something terrible lurks in the new WIKEA. Who will be the last chap standing?
1. Chapter 1

THE HEXAS CHAISE LONGUE MASSACRE

PART 1

It was October 31. Professor Slughorn had promised to cook up something scaaary for the occasion. Her turned up the heat on his portable stove.

"First take the cackle of a dying martyr," he said, uncapping a jar.

Hysterical laughter rang through the lab.

"Then a cup of mummy powder-"

"Shut up, Padfoot," said James to Sirius in the back.

"I have here the ground up pharaoh remains of Tutankhamun," Slug went on.  
He added that, as well as some corpse wax and a few other spooky things, and let it cook for a couple of minutes. And that was it.

"Ok who wants to try it?"

Sirius, not the only person smoking in the lab, blew smoke in Peter's face. He began to cough violently.

"A volunteer!" said Slug and made Peter come up and stand in front of everybody, something he feared with great intensity. He trembled like a washing machine that had swallowed a poltergeist and his face was red as a Bloody Gary.

Slughorn spooned some of the potion into a cup.

"Just drink this."

Peter spilled potion on his robes because he was so nervous. He choked on most of it, but managed to get some of it down.

The shaking stopped first. He became very still, rigid even. He stopped blinking and his eyes turned pale and vacant. His skin became so riddled with bruises his entire body ended up a bluish grey.

His mouth fell open, looking unhinged and dropping a string of drool.

"Uurrr..," he uttered.

"Well there you have it!" said Slughorn. "The Un-Dead Potion! Renders the drinker Un-Dead for 24 hours. Guaranteed to break the ice at parties! Now don't go giving this to your enemy because that is against the rules. Ok so now I want you all to make the Un-Dead Potion!"

With a little nudge in the back from Slughorn, Peter managed to somehow find his way back to his table.

"I've got to say," said James. "You seem a lot more relaxed now!"

"Urrrrr..."

"That's probably the most intelligent thing I have ever heard you say," said Sirius.

"Urrrrr..."

The chaps set to work on the potion. They were allowed to collaborate freely this time.

"So," said James, his mind on more important matters. "What should we do tonight? I sure don't want to go to the Slugoweenie!"

"I know of another party we could go to," said Sirius. "A cool one. With cool people. But I'm sure they will make an exception for you guys."

"I guess we could do that. But it's Halloween! I want to be properly scared! I want to know what fear is!"

"There's always that Stuart palace where the ghost of Charles II lives. I hear he throws great parties."

"The ghosts of former kings don't scare me!"  
"Well then I just don't know for I, too, know not the meaning of fear."  
"Curse this our curse!"  
" _Hssszzzzssssrrrrsszzzz,"_ said someone behind James.

He jumped and turned around when he feeled a tickle in his neck and came face to face with a black adder.

He screamed and whacked the escaped snake with a book.

"You were saying?" said Sirius.

"I bet you thought that was fear."

"It's like we're linked psychically!"

"But it wasn't. Blegh."

He scraped off his book on Peter's robes.

"Yes it was!" Sirius insisted.

"No it wasn't. It was panic. There's a differense."

"It was fear, mate."

"That was an instinctive reaction. We're all programmed to freak out a little when there's a wasp in our ears or a spider in the bath."

"Or a snake on your back."

James began to dance around, trying to reach behind him.

"What are you doing?" Sirius asked.

"Is there a snake on my back?"

"No."

James sighed, relieved.

"It's on your chest now."

James ripped the snake from his robes, threw it on the floor and stomped on it. Then he poured all the snakes from the pickle jar onto the floor and stomped them dead as well, creating a rather gross snake puré.

"We all have one, right? It's ok!" said Sirius.  
"That wasn't fear," James insisted, stubborn, and scraped off his shoes against the table leg.

"Oh come on it's nothing to be a shamed of. Why, even Godrid Gryffindor himself is said to have been deathly afraid of trouts. It's why he would put on ladies' tights every Tuesday and go down to the local pub as Godrica. He thought they came out of the water every Tuesday to look for him."

" _What?_ That is the greatest load of tosh I have ever heard! Where did you even hear that?"

"It's not tosh! Are you calling my late, dear granddad a liar?"

Never mind his late, dear granddad.

"Not a liar, just a transphobic..."

"What's so transphobic about a man wearing ladie's stockings?"

"Nothing. Let's just drop that whole debate."

"He was kind transphobic, 'though"

"It wasn't fear anyhow. Fear is when you're afraid of something."

" _Oh!_ That must be why you were made Captain Obvious!"  
"If I was really afraid, I would have just ran out of the lab, ok?"

"Fine. Whatever."

Meanwhile, behind them.

"Urrr."

"Do you like Selma?" Remus asked Peter, browsing some kind of catalog while their potion was simmering away on medium heat. "Check out the legs on that one!"

"Urrr."

"What about Gertrud? There's a curvy number! But between you-sees and me-sees, a bit too much padding. And _those_ are obviously fake!"

Sirius was shocked! Shocked!

"What is this _filth_ you're looking at?" he asked, snatching the catalog.

But browsing through it he didn't find any filth at all. Just pictures of furniure. _Selma_ was a desk with legs that brought wooden pepper mills to mind. _Gertrude_ was a velvet armchair with fake gold buttons and snakes for legs.

"Are you refurnishing the dorm again? You know how McGonagall gets."

"Have you heard that they've opened up a WIKEA in Hexas, Diagon Alley?"

"Why?"

"KEA."

"Is that the place that sells broken sofas?"

"If you mean that the sofas have to be put together then yes, that's the place."  
"Have you been there?"

"No. But I hear it's big."  
"I've been there," said James, losing energy just recalling it. "It's _the_ most..."  
He hesitated. This made Sirius curious.

"The most what? What did you think of it?"

"It's _the_ most amazing place I have ever been to!"  
"Really?"

"It's awesome! So much fun! Not a dull minute!"

"You surprise me. It doesn't seem remotely fun at all."

"It's hard to explain. You kind of have to be there. Hey I know! Let's all go there after school!"  
Sirius wasn't exactly over the moon.

"Is that how you want to spend Halloween?"

"Not all of it. We'll only pop in for a minute!"  
"Hm. Ok then, if it's only for a minute."

In his head James went: Mwahahahahahaha!


	2. Chapter 2

THE HEXAS CHAISE LONGUE MASSACRE

PART 2

The chaps made it to Hexas, Diagon Alley by fire and entered the WIKEA some thirty minutes before closing time, not intending to stay long.

Their very first impression was one involving many, many sofas. They looked very inviting.

" _Sofa_ so good!" said James.

Sirius looked at him, disapproving of his crap pun and of the entire place. If there was a domestic oriented game at the arcade hall with the objective of keeping the player character content and entertained, and Sirius was that player character, his mood bar would have been red and not green.

Hello he had an idea for a game. A boring sounding one albeit.

"Let's try them!" said James.

And so the chaps did that. They tried the big sofas, the small sofas, the yellow sofas, the brown sofas, the flying sofas, the massage sofas. James actually enjoyed it, at least at first, and not even Sirius could object to their comfort.

But he refused to be entertained for very long. The air was just too bad.

"Could we get a move on, please? I don't want to be here forever."

"Ok," said James.

But in his mind he went: Mwahahahaha!

XXX

The livingrooms transitioned into bedrooms. Here were big beds, small beds, single beds, double beds, bunk beds, four poster beds. Beds galore, basically. And James was intent on jumping on all of them.

"This one is nice. This one is nice. This one is nice. This one is nice."  
Twenty minutes in and Sirius had long since lost his patience. At least he thought so until he remembered he had left it at Hogwarts. Probably in the dorm, by the box of Only Liquorice Beans.

"This one is nice-"

"Do you _have_ to try _every single bed here?!"_

James hung by the knees from the top of a bunk bed.

"Why? Do you want to leave?"

"Yes I want to leave!"  
"Fine. I thought you'd like it here but I guess I was wrong."  
"Did you really?"

"Yes. But I clearly made a mistake."

"Where's Moony?"

"Under there, I think."

A pair of orange trainers were sticking out from under a four toaster bed- ideal for breakfast in bed. Sirius grabbed hold of them and pulled out an entire wonk with a flashlight.

"We're going to leave now, just so you know. Are you coming or staying?"

"I'm not staying. There's nothing here."  
"Everyone's finding monsters under the beds here."

"Who has?"

"Ok maybe it was just me."

Remus got up and brushed dust off his knees.

"I wasn't looking for any 'monsters', whatever _those_ are..."

"What were you doing?"

In the speakers, an announcer said: _WIKEA is closing in ten minutes._

"Which way is the exit?"  
"We have to follow the footsteps. It's like the law," said James.

A trail of footsteps were painted on the grey floor. The chaps followed them through various rooms. In the area with the bathroom things, Sirius spotted a staff wizard by the towels.

"Which was is the nearest exit?" he asked him.

"If you follow the foot prints you'll get there," replied the idiot staff wizard.

Sirius didn't want to follow the footprints, he didn't know how long that would take. He wanted to go back to the entrance and the others could just take it or leave it!

They took it.

 _"WIKEA closes in five minutes,"_ said the voice in the speaker.

They were back in the kitchens.

 _"WIKEA closes in three minutes."_

Now they were back in the livingrooms.

" _WIKEA closes in two minutes. One minute."_

The chaps were _literally_ an inch away from the door now. James was just going to push it open.

Then it vanished right in front of their pretty noses!

All that remained was a blank wall that would not admit any trolleys.

" _WIKEA is now closed."_

Then the lights went out.

"Let's just go back and find that staff wizard," said James.

But they didn't find any staff wizard anywhere. Nobody had remained to make sure nobody had been accidentally stranded. No alarm went off, there were none of those museum lasers and if there were any security-mirrors nobody was watching the orb.

Despite WIKEA being a really boring place, James actually found the prospect of being trapped here over the night exciting.

"Think of the possibilities! Think of all the things where we could rub our butts!"  
"Ok let's all take our pants off," said Sirius and undid his belt.

 _"_ Don't take your pants off when you don't know who you're sitting on," Remus told him.

"Not every sofa is a person. Don't be racist."

"Tisk, tisk, tisk. I guess you've never heard about Buttonback the Wife Slaughterer..."

"No. Who was that?"

"There was once a man who turned into an armchair every night. One day he brought home a meat grinder."

 _"_ And then what happened?"

 _"_ He put his wife in it. Fifty years later he was selling his old mandolin. They say that to this day he _still_ puts his crisps in the freezer."  
"And that was your ghost story?"

 _"_ Ghost story? I was doing cautionary tale. Don't put your butt print on things if you don't know what it is. It could _literally_ bite you in the backside."

"I promise you, if I ever put my butt on a cupboard I _will_ check if you're in there first."

"If you're going to eat each other," said James. "There are _lots_ of rooms you can get. Ok, shall I go next? Or do you have something?"

"You go. I have to think some more," Sirius replied.

So James followed up the story of Buttonback Wifeslaughterer with a tale titled Death's Socks, which Sirius folllowed up with the tale of the Thumbless Taxidermist.

"And they say," he said. "That his thumbs were under that _very_ carpark _all along!"  
_ "And how does it start?" James asked.

"There once was a thumbless taxidermist."

"Great story!"  
Then the story telling just ran out in the sand. They were back among the sofas. The various areas seemed to shuffle at random. Was that reduntant?

"Hey do you want to hear something cool?" Remus asked.

"Is it another cautionary tale?" James asked.

"No."

"Then go for it."

"There is a kind shifter that turns into a man-eating animal at night."

"Yeah, we _know!"_

 _"_ Shut up don't interrupt me. So this shifter, once it has devoured its vicitim, makes an exact copy of it out of wood. The copy then returns home, appearing all alive and stuff. Until it gets sick. And DIIIES!Again."  
"What's it called?"

"The Aswang."  
"So if I'm ever in Thailand-" said Sirius.

"The Philippines."

"Anything I should be looking out for?"

"Well the way to spot an Aswang is to look between your legs."

Sirius broke down laughing, as did James.

"No, you're looking at _them!_ They're image is supposed to change or something if you do that!"  
"Then how come we need to take our pants off?" James asked, tears in his eyes.

"Could it be a phase you've never grown out of?"

The story of the Aswang entertained them for a little while. Then they remembered that they were stuck in a poorly ventilated WIKEA and they were getting hungry. Peter's stomach made a sound.

"Urrrr," said Peter.

 _Grrrrr,_ said something else.

Something really was growling somewhere in the shadows.

"Oh my God," Sirius whispered. "Is it the Ass Wang?"

"Never before have I heard it make a sound like that!" said James.

"What sound have you heard it make?"

Perhaps it was only their collective imagination. After all, James and Sirius knew of only one thing that was known to haunt furniture. And tonight was only a quarter gibbous. What _else_ could possibly possess the same hobby?

A staff wizard was nosing under chairs, looking for his keys by the sound of his mumbling.

"We're closed," he said, when he saw them.

"We know. We were locked in," James told him.

"Oh I see. Come with me, then."

Some kind of divan stood between him and the chaps. Just as he was walking by it, his ancles were ensrared by branches coming from underneath it. The divan growled and the staff wizard screamed as he was pulled under, into its jaws. Only a few stains of blood on the floor remained of him, at least until the divan spat out the bones.

The chaps felt their spines ice to the corse.

"O...K..," said Sirius.

"The Ass Wang!" James gasped. "I thought it was just a joke!"  
"It wasn't a joke," said Remus. "And were you even listening before?"

"You mean the monster in my pants has escaped?!"

"That's not an Ass Wang! I mean Aswang."

"If that's not an Ass Wang, then what else could it be, if not the Ass Wang?" Sirius asked.

Remus turned away, all dramatic like. Which strongly suggested he knew the answer. Because he would always turn away, all dramatic like, when he knew an answer.

"It can't be..," he said, dramatic like.

"What's 2 plus 2?"

"2 plus 2?" he turned away, all dramatic like. "Four..."

"Back to my original questions: what was that under the chaise longue?"

Again Remus turned away, all dramatic like.

"I think it could be the Jubokko..."

James snorted. "Are you serious?"

"Of course I am."  
"Oh come off it!" said Sirius. "You spent that one on April Fools!"

"Yeah!" said James. "Now we _know_ there's no space yeti called Chewbacca!"  
"No, I'm referring to the Tree Child," said Remus.

"What's the Tree Child?"

"It's a blood sucking spirit that possesses trees."  
"Will I see it if I look between my legs?"

"Have you got wood in your pants? That came out _really_ wrong."

"A bit personal."  
"Will you stop thinking about the wood in your pants?" Sirius asked. "How do you kill it?"

"The wood in our pants?"

"Prongs, if you need to kill the wood in your pants, the mirrors are over there. How do you kill the Tree Child?"

"I don't know," said Remus.

The chaise longue seemed so still and un-demonic now.

"It seems to be good for now, 'though," said James.

"Ok who wants to just stand here? Not me!" said Sirius and carried on, looking for the nearest emergency exit.


	3. Chapter 3

THE HEXAS CHAISE LONGUE MASSACRE

PART 3

It so happened there was an emergency exit in the cafeteria, so the chaps decided to cook themselvs some bangers and mash. That cool party Sirius had mentioned had started, but he liked being fashionably late so he was in no particular rush.

So they ate their food and then headed for the exit.

That was when they saw a girl in a torn top and knickers lurking around the restaurant, holding a trembling knife high.

"Johnny? Johnny where are you? Johnny this isn't funny!"  
"Hi!" said James.

The girl screamed, shoved him aside and went to the kitchen where Sirius was still unscrewing salt shakers. He came over to the exit with the girl clinging to his neck.

"Who's this?" he asked.

"No idea," said James.

"Hold me!" cried the girl. "Hold me and don't let it get me!"

She burrowed her face in Sirius's neck and tried to inhale his hair, and then eat it.  
"Ask her who Johnny is," said James, bored now.

So Sirius did that.

"Who's Johnny?"

"Uhm nobody important. I'm Stacey."  
"Maybe you should sit down and tell us what happened."  
"Ok."

Stacey sat down.

"Me and some friends came here to check this place out. We all found it crazy borning. Then we somehow managed to get ourselves stranded here. Trev was first to go, then Rach. Something terrible lurks here, something that traps people and devours them. Pretty soon it was just me and Johnny left. Somehow we got separated. I think it got him. It nearly got me, too."  
"That explains the state of your clothes," said James.

"Yeah. It left them a little wrinkled. _So_ embarassing."  
She tried to smooth out her shredded top a bit.

"I got you this table cloth, because you looked cold," said James.

"Great, thanks," said Stacey and threw away the table cloth.

"I tell you, I've been _so_ scared. Now that I've run into you guys I feel safe."  
Remus, who had gone off to get a catalogue, came back now. He took one look at Stacey and said:

"..."

"What?" Stacey asked.

"Could you, without any quick motions, put up your legs?"

"What for? Oh my God! I'm sitting on it now, aren't I?"

She had been sitting on a chaise longue the whole time. She began to scream. And scream. And scream.

"If you just put up your legs the chaise longue can't get to them!" Sirius tried to explain over her screams.

Stacey began to stab at the chaise longue with her knife.

Branches like fingers ensnared her ancles and pulled her under. Her screams were... no more. A puddle of blood grew under the chaise longe, which slurped it with a straw.

"Nice going, Padfoot!" said James. "Way to make a girl sit on the Divan of Death!"

"She was obviously a squib."

"Yeah... Anyway, some coincidence. We've seen two people get devoured while we've remained without a scratch." 

"Well maybe we're just that great."

"Yeah that's probably it."

"Urrrrr," said Peter.

Just when the chaps thought they stood under some sort of divine protection, the chaise longue lashed out a branch and pulled Peter under. All that remained was a puddle of blood. Which the Chaise Longue slurped with a straw.. Then it spat out the guts and bones.


	4. Chapter 4

THE HEXAS CHAISE LONGUE MASSACRE

PART 4

Wherever there was an emergency exit to be found, the chaise longue was always blocking it. This sofa was not to be messed with, for it clearly possessed great apparitional powers.

It seemed to the chaps that the best thing they could do was make themselves snug in the snuggliest beds and wait for the morning.

"That's what you think!" Sirius snapped.

"It is what I think," said Remus.

"Ok. We'll make ourselves snug. It'll be like a pajama party."

"Won't it be more like... every night?" James asked.

"Ok let's play Truth or Dare!"  
"You know what? I just got it," said Remus, getting out of bed know. "Hexorcism!"

"I know Hexorcism I saw the movie!" said James and ran off first.

They ran back to the emergency exit in the kitchen. The chaise longue was still there, snoozing off the last meal.

"Ok anyone got a Bibble?" James asked.

So Remus handed him a reeeally tiny bibble.

"You don't actually have to read anything," he said.

James pushed up his hornrimmed Basil & Meduso specs. "But I _could,_ if I wanted to."  
He held forth the tiny bibble.

"The power of Chris compels you! The power of Chris compels you!"  
The chaise longue just kept snoring, not moving at all.

"Hmmm," said Remus, thoughtful.

Then he went a little crazy and dressed the entire Chaise Longue in bubblegum.

"Can't hurt."  
A branch tried to break through the thick bubblegum film. It was definitely having a difficult time.

"I think it worked!"  
Then the branch finally managed to rip through the gum, seized Remus by the ancles and pulled him under.

"Nope. It didn't."  
Then he was gone. The chaise longue let out a healthy burp.

An ominous funeral bell seemed to ring somewhere.

"Damn it Padfoot!" James yelled. "You just can't stop killing people tonight!"

"Me killing people? What are you talking about?"

"That was your fault because you know Moony would rather be chess lonk food than play truth or dare! You know he doesn't want to talk about girls! He just wants to talk about Ass Wangs! Ass Wangs like you!"  
"Shut up Prongs! You're the Ass Wang! An Ass Wang and a crap hexorcist! Oh God!"  
Sirius broke down in tears. James sighed heavily.

"I'm sorry, mate. I just can't believe all this, you know? First we had to see that staff person die. Then it was the squib girl with the Betty Boop knickers, I forgot her name but she seemed cool. And now Moo. Like, what's going on here?"

Sirius lied down on the floor and crawled into a foetal position. "If I never get up again maybe nobody will get hurt."

James had to pull his hair so he'd get up. Perhaps it really would be best to just go to bed.


	5. Chapter 5

THE HEXAS CHAISE LONGUE MASSACRE

PART 5

James and Sirius bored with the snugness pretty quickly. Sirius cast off his duvet.

"Sod this! I won't stay here and get snug and wait for the morning! Not even if it is what he would have wanted! It's not what he would have wanted!"  
"Wouldn't have wanted what?"

"For me to do what he would have wanted!"

He was probably right about that. So James, too, cast off his duvet so they could go and confront that chaise longue like proper heroes! They didn't find it in the kitchen this time, but in the garden area. There it lurked in a jungle of cacti, still covered in bubblegum.

"Come on," said Sirius. "Think!"  
"Oh, would you like me to _think?"_ said James.

"It would be nice."  
"Because I wasn't making an effort before but you're right, maybe it would be a good idea!"  
"Anytime you want to start!"

So James had yet another think. But he was still as stumped as ever.

"How about we search the pantry more thoroughly for garlic?"

"What a stupid idea! They wouldn't have garlic here!"  
"And why the blooming not?"

"Because they only serve simple and unexotic food! What would they be using garlic for?"

"A salad dressing?"

"That's your genious idea? Looking for garlic?"

"Got a better one, Ass Wang?"

"I think we should look in a catalog."  
James glared. "How come we always have to do what _you_ want?"

"Because I got the brains in this partnership! What you got, Ass Wang?"

"What have I got? Well, I have got _this!"_

He pushed Sirius into a huge fern and a fight broke out between them, involving lots of shoving, twisting and hair-pulling. James soon had the upper hand. He stood over Sirius, pinning him down with a foot and keeping a tight grip around his hair.

"Say it!"  
"Uhm say what?"

James hadn't thought of anything.

"Say: I'm Princess Ass Wang of the Ass Wangs."

"Who are you then? King Ass Wang?"

"Anytime. I got until morning."

Sirius could see that the chaise longue was right behind James now. There were lots of holes in the bubblegum. Branches were poking around under the pink film, trying to punctuate some more.

"We should probably get out of the way."  
"Say it then."  
"No really. Before it gets you."

"Niiiice try. What do you take me for? I'm not an idiot you know."  
"You are King Brain of the Brains."  
"That is true. However it is not what I asked you to say."

"Get off me and I'll say it at a safer distance."

"Oh no. Just say it now if you want to save my life. You know something? You're not as clever as you think, mate. You just act like it. And me, I'm not so stupid. So maybe I don't do cultural stuff like drama or know of any classical composers and when they lived. But intelligence isn't about that. It's about... other things."

"Yeah, things like knowing when to let go and move on."  
"Why not? But I was thinking more along the lines of Warlock Gnomes and what he does."  
"Looking for clues?"

"Yeah. He doesn't need to know who the Minister of Magic is to find the murderer. He just looks for the relevant signs."  
"Exactly. He uses his sense. He will pick up on signs like a scraping against the floor, a faint growl, the shadow of a branch on the floor..."  
"Like in the Sounds of Basket-Jill, the one where a dead basket weaver haunts the moors. He was blind in that film, and had to use only his sense of smell and hearing."

"Or the Pounds of Casket-Bill. The one with the undertaker and his cursed money."

"Yeah. I hope they show those on telly sometime soon."

"If you get off me now you might just live to catch it."

"Nice try. But I'm not an idiot. You can't fool me that easily."

And then snap. The branch, that had been entangled and stuck for a while in strings of gum, managed to get free and catch James. He turned instantly pale.

"Tell everyone... I died a hero's death."

Then he got pulled under the chaise longue.

RRRRRRRUUUP.


	6. Chapter 6

THE HEXAS CHAISE LONGUE MASSACRE

PART 6

Never before had time moved so slowly. Was it standing still? How was it not morning already? Sirius was so unbearably bored now it was unholy. Bored and alone in the most boring place on earth. This had to be karma at work.

He had been wandering around the WIKEA now for... well he had never kept track of the time. Now he was back in the bathroom area. He whipped out his nail polish and went up to a mirror. He began to write:

ALL CUPBOARDS AND NO DISCO MAKES SIRIUS A DULL WIZARD

He capped the nail polish. He had now officially written on everything. To think that he could have been attending Charles II Death Disco right now, had he not gotten into a fight with the Ghost Bartender that had refused to serve him Screwdrivers because he didn't have an ID.

Then he spotted a blank shower curtain, hanging there like a blank canvas, and he decided to use it to express his inner anguish.

He went closer. And closer.

His blood froze. He saw behind the curtain the shadow of a pair of twin girls holding hands. This was probably the most scared he had ever been, but he simply could not let it overwhelm him so without thinking much of it his simply opened the curatins with one quick motion, closing his eyes tightly.

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" he screamed.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" screamed...

Sirius opened first one eye, then the other.

"FLETCHER?!"

There were no twin girls in sight, only Fletcher. He took his hands from his face and uncurled his posture.

"Oh thank goodness!" he sighed, feeling his heartbeat.

"Just what... I saw shadow twins!"

"Oh yeah? That's because I am a shadow-magus."

"Really?"

"Mhm! I can make my shadow take the form of eerie twin girls."

"That's really cool. Were you born that way?"

"I certainly was not! I've trained very hard for it! You'd be surprised how scary people find twin girls. Especially in hotels and bathtubs."

That was true. And perhaps a year or so from now, some big horror writer would take advantage of that fact. Fletcher poked out his head from the shower and stepped out when he deemed the coast as safe. It was weird to see Fletcher in a bathtub. Nevertheless, Sirius was just so unbelievably happy to see him he had to hug him hard.

"Oh ok," said Fletcher, not used to this. "Does this mean you're my friend?"

"Nope."

Sirius pushed him away now.

"Aw..."

"What are you even doing here?"

"Looting."

"But aren't you afraid?"

"Oh, I'm terrified! There is a terrible beast that lurks here, that captures the unsuspecting and drains them of their blood! Had I known of that before I would not have come at all!"

"Then, what did you come to loot?"

Fletcher had his pockets full of tiny pencils.

"That's not worth anything."  
"Oh."

He threw it all away. "Damn that Aurora! My horoscope said: where there's assembled dressers, lie man's greatest treasure. So where's James?"

"Dead. The Chaise Longue got him. It got Rem as well. I also saw it get a staff person. And a squib girl with Betty Boop knickers." Sigh.

"Oh no. That is so upsetting to hear. What about Peter?"

"Who? Oh, him. I think he stayed in this time actually. Probably extra classes."

"I sure would rather take extra classes right now than be stuck in this horrible place."  
"You know what Fletch. I changed my mind. I'm upgrading you to best friend.

"Wow really?"

"I lost my best friend and I lost the spare. So I guess it's between you and Cas. And Cas isn't here. Besides, I don't want my girlfriend and my best friend to be the same person."

"Well I'm available."

"It's weird. I really always fancied myself as a person of many friends. But when I go over them, I find that I hate them all."

"Any number over 1 is many in my book."

Then Fletcher screamed. The chaise longue had found them and it was licking its lips. It seemed to be watching them with its buttons.

"Say do you know anything about the Tree Child?" Sirius asked.

"Is it a tree?"

"I guess. Don't you know trees?"

"I know some trees. What of it?"

"Know of any... tree kryptonite?"

"I don't know. But so what? Isn't that thing possessed?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, I'm not very good at spirits and that stuff, but isn't it customary to ask what it wants?"

"I guess so. Ok, do you speak Spirit?"

"I put it to you! Do you speak Japanese?"

"No."

"Although it's a cheese lung so it might just speak French. And I've been taking lessons per owl! I will handle this!"

So Fletcher said, full of confidence:

"Je cherche la petite bete! It means: Why are you doing this?"

The chaise longue could not have become more furious had Fletcher attempted to stroke it. It lashed out its branches in a flash.

But Fletcher was surprisingly quick on his feet. He kept jumping out of harms way nimbly and managed to dance his way behind the chaise longue.

"Hey I know!" he said, while the chaise longue was still. "I'm going to stroke it!"

"Fletch no!"

But alas, Fletcher stroked the chaise longue and was... no more.

Great. Alone again, naturally. Sirius wandered along, found a catalog and sat down to browse it, because he was that bored. But something actually captured his interest.

"Astrid. Dresser."

He was leaning against it right now. He decided to search it and found a key in one of the drawers. He used it to unlock the bottom doors.

XXX

Meanwhile, in the _real_ WIKEA.

"Urrr."

"I've had enough," said James. "I want to leave. But just where is he?"

"Looks like he left already," said Remus.

"To think I only suggested this so he'd get crazy bored. I'm crazy bored now. I'm going to ask that person to call out his name in the speakers."

Then Sirius fell out of a cupboard. James nearly tripped over him trying to get to the staff person.

"There you are. We thought you had left."  
Sirius looked utterly confused.

"What? But... How?" Then he saw the cupboard and took a guess. "So that was all just some really advanced illusion?"

"What was?"

"But I can't remember ever going in there..."  
"Strange. Avdanced illusion, you say?"

James crawled inside the cupboard and closed the doors after him. He came out with his hands full of mushroom remains.

"You could have shared."  
"After what you put me up to?! Now I remember. I was so bored I decided to get high in there." As he recalled the entire illusion, he was amused at how silly it had been. "I really should have realised it wasn't real! I mean come on! There's no such thing as _Ass Wangs!"  
_ "Have you seen Aswangs?" Remus asked.

"I've seen lots of them!"

"Well I bet you're sick of WIKEA now," said James. "As am I. Let's go."  
"Oh by the way, you're shoelaces are undone."  
"Again? So annoying!"  
He sat down on a chair to tend to his shoelaces.

"They're not undone at all."

"Aren't they? My mistake."  
"Seriously? I hope that wasn't your revenge becaue that was _weak!"  
"_Afraid that's it."

James rolled his eyes. "I guess it seemed like a really good idea when you were on the shrooms!"

"It really did."  
"Anyway, say what you want about WIKEA, but this chair is _really_ comfortable! I wonder what they've done with it?"

"Uhm..," said Remus, pointing.

"Oh don't tell me. It's a flesheating spirit and it's going to eat me?"

"No. Well..."

"The leather is an undead mummy's skin- Shut up, Padfoot. Is it stuffed with ghoul babies? Is it actually a cloaked shifter and it's going to spoon me?"

"No it just has snakes for legs."  
" _Sure_ it has! My eyes aren't that bad. In fact, they're probably better than yours!" He pushed up his fancy Basil & Medusos. "Anyway what's that sound? I think it's coming from-"

When he looked to his side he came face to face with one of the leg snakes. It tickled his nose with its tongue and really seemed to be going in for a smooch. James screamed and made a run for it.

"Stocking surgical masks doesn't look so stupid now, does it?" Remus muttered.

Sirius took over the chair. It really was nice.

"Fancy going to a party tonight?"

"Ok."

Remus inched closer to the dresser. Sirius snapped his fingers. A pair of boas from a nearby four-toaster bed wrapped around it.

Remus snorted. "I wasn't even going to..."

"So what should we go as? Zombies?"

"You know _everybody_ goes as zombies on Halloween."

"I suppose we could go as a pantomime chaise longue."

"Have you been reading my mind again?"

"No. But I don't even know where they'd have the costume."

But that was alright, because apparently Remus had already made it.


End file.
